Be Specific
Gathered around the portable table, the men pondered their options. Woodpecker? Dolphin? Koala? With 80 colorful cards spread out before them, they carefully considered which card best described the man nervously sitting alone on the couch. Black bird? Hippopotamus? Owl?
A high school counselor introduced me to this game called Totem several years ago. After he described how the card game had been used in a faculty meeting, I was intrigued. As soon as I acquired my own box, I knew I would be able to adapt the game for use in multiple settings.
Totem was designed to be a personal development tool that provides players with the chance to discover their own strengths through other people’s eyes. The inspiration for Totem’s creation bubbled up when Carol Rancourt wondered why we often reserve our praise for others until they are no longer with us. He wasn’t talking about the reflection that happens after a loved one dies; he was observing how even in social settings, we tend to wait until after someone has left the room before we begin to talk openly about their positive attributes. Why are we reluctant to share our praise directly with one another?
When I use Totem in groups, I select one of the two decks - Quality Cards or Animal Cards - and spread the cards out face up on a table. Since I’m not following the prescribed game rules, I only need to provide minimal instructions. After choosing a person to be the focus of the group’s attention, I invite everyone else to come to the table to choose a card that describes the chosen individual.
After everyone has returned to their seats, the sharing begins. Most folks read the description on their card and spontaneously offer a personal story to illustrate why they chose that particular descriptor.
After everyone has read their cards aloud and shared their stories, I invite the recipient to reflect: How did you feel as you listened to these affirmations? Were you surprised by anything that was shared? Were you nervous? When I asked that last question in one group, a participant responded, “I wasn’t nervous because I knew all of the cards were positive!”
After each person has taken their turn as the focus of the group’s attention, I explain why I believe that this game is actually a spiritual exercise. I remind them of the Apostle Paul’s advice: “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When we intentionally take the time to encourage someone, we can help them see themselves in a new light. Our positive words have the power to override the voice of the inner critic that focuses primarily on failures.
Specificity matters. Perhaps you have been the recipient of vague praise like “You’re doing great!” Doing great at what? In contrast, if someone takes the time to share a specific example of how your words or actions or attitude have positively impacted their life, you can savor and ponder their words for days.
Earlier this month I used Totem in my weekly Spirituality in Recovery Group at the Recovery Living Ministry at Costello House. Residents who have been in the program for a while are quite familiar with these cards. When I asked veterans of the exercise to share how their experience with Totem cards has changed over time, they acknowledged they have become more comfortable receiving praise. The gap between how others see them and how they see themselves has narrowed substantially. Totem helps folks celebrate personal growth.
Will you be a bear this week, finding opportunities to share comforting, encouraging words with friends? Will you be a dog this week, freely expressing your gratitude with specificity? Will you be a buffalo, bolstering someone’s confidence with a heartfelt affirmation?
Encourage one another, and build each other up - and be specific.
